Joan Rundle is a petite woman with a big heart, and a successful determination to maintain her independence - even while being married to her husband, Ed, for more than 37 years.

Because her father and grandfather died during World War II, Joan was born into an all-female household. She was raised to be an independent thinker, at a time when generally accepted gender roles expected men to be breadwinners, and women to be homemakers and child raisers.
“My mother always stressed the importance of having your own money. Even when she remarried, her earnings went into a separate bank account,” said Joan.

When asked if she thought about her future and sharing her life with someone else before she met Ed, Joan answered that although most girls at that time dreamt of a home, husband, and family, she decided that if she wasn’t married by age 30, she would buy a cottage and live independently, writing and doing crafts.

Joan married in an era when it was common for young women to wed in their teens or early 20s. She came of age at a time when women generally devoted themselves to the advancement of their husband’s career; but by waiting until she was 29 to wed, Joan entered marriage during the feminist movement of the 1970s, when women were encouraged to have their own careers.

She had a very good job, her own car, an active social life and interests before she married, and kept all of them afterwards. Joan wryly views those circumstances in a negative light, stating that they made her more opinionated and set in her thinking regarding “how things should be.” In addition, after having lived so long with her parents, she had never cooked; Joan explained that her bedtime reading for the first six months of her marriage was cookbooks.

Asked how she adjusted to living with Ed after several years of independence, Joan says, “with difficulty.”

Joan’s advice to newlyweds or couples preparing for marriage is to set ground rules for who does what. In Joan’s marriage, she cooked, dusted, vacuumed and did the laundry, while Ed cleaned the stove and the bathroom. Gardening and decorating work were shared. Yet assigning all these tasks, while important, was the easy parts.

More difficult were their conversations about purchasing their first home, having children, dealing with finances, and how their free time would be spent. Ed had to come to terms with the fact that Joan’s salary was about double his. They agreed that she would pay the home mortgage and house improvement bills from her paycheck and Ed’s income would pay for all their living expenses. Joan’s advice on this subject is for each to have their own bank account and agree as to whose money buys what. Compromises were reached early on regarding how free time was spent.

Joan already had a very active social life with church activities, membership in an opera and drama group and regular visits and outings with various girlfriends. Ed’s main interests were music and motorbikes. To compromise, Joan cut out the opera and Ed joined the drama group. Visits with friends were separate but usually scheduled on the same evening. Joan also kept up with her church commitments and Ed began to help at the various events she was involved in. In return, she went to concerts with Ed and got used to riding pillion on the motorbike.

Another important factor is “personal space.” Joan thinks it is very important to maintain some place, if possible, that is just “yours.” This is an area of your home where you keep special things and have a quiet place to follow a personal interest, one not necessarily shared with your partner.
“I have my little conservatory where I sew and knit (usually accompanied by a story tape), write and read; and even snooze. This is somewhere I can be by myself if I prefer not to watch TV or to do some thinking and planning. Some people have a shed or even part of a spare room or a corner of a room with a screen around it which indicates ’my’ space for ’my’ time.”

Today, Joan and Ed share interests in their friendships, archaeology, theater and classic TV. Ed has his own separate roles in church activities and, according to Joan, likes to fill his personal space with music, reading, researching science projects and sleeping.

Joan paused when asked what other advice she would give to young people getting married today or forming a long-term partnership, then slowly said, “Enjoy your pre-marriage friendships with same-sex friends, but don’t wash your dirty linen with them. Keep the activities of the bedroom in the bedroom. Joke about, but don’t belittle your partner. If there’s something you enjoy doing, try to involve him but stand up for your right to do it anyway. Give him time and space for his own friends and interests. Don’t cling and don’t always expect to be put first. Get on with his family, especially his mother. Talk early on about what you each want from the relationship.”

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